It’s been over a year and a half since I got divorced after 26 years of marriage. It has been a rocky road. Actually, during the divorce and immediately after the divorce was easier than of late.
I think you go off of adrenaline and cracking jokes about your awful ex with your friends and family early on, and then when the dust settles, you realize what you’re in for. The realities settle in.
It wasn’t until recently that I felt this more than ever. My ex has dated and broken up with multiple women over the past year or so, and it didn’t bother me, but apparently now he’s in a serious relationship. Her son and our son even hung out the other day. Up until now, he was dating women the same age as our children, so it all seemed so ridiculous. How could I be jealous of that? This time, he’s actually dating another adult. That hit me like a sucker punch.
She can have him, and I sure don’t want him back, but ouch! It makes me feel like a boob. A lonely boob without a partner. A uniboob. This is embarrassing. He’s the clown who cheated, and I’m the one alone every night watching Murder, She Wrote marathons, while he’s warm and cozy with whoever she is. Where’s the justice in that?
So, that got me thinking. Why have I not even tried to find someone new? I haven’t even seriously considered it, but then, where would I look? How does anybody find anyone? I work second shift, so I don’t have evenings to go out. Where am I going to go at 7 am on a Monday morning to find the love of my life? The Hardee’s drive-thru?
On weekends, I’m too exhausted to deal with people. All I want to do is escape to nature, or hide in my house, and recharge. Unless I want to date a squirrel, or a rapist hiding in the woods, it’s not too likely I’ll find anyone out on the bike trail.
There’s definitely nobody where I work. There are hundreds of people where I work, but I only see like 12 of them on a daily basis, and there’s no magic going on with any of us. That’s a dead end.
So, that leaves me with the only place I know with unending connections and bad advice. My phone.
Before the news of my ex, I was becoming more open to possibly, in some small way, from a guarded distance, to date again. Okay, not date, more like consider the improbable notion from behind a thick wall of glass. I just haven’t found an app like that.
My ideal dating app is that of a one-way mirror. I don’t see the point of me having a profile. It’s obvious I’m amazing. Do I really need to go through the trouble of writing it? I’m just there to window-shop, incognito style, but they don’t let you do that. All I want to do is just see who’s out there, and from what I’ve been able to see, it’s scary.
I just can’t get used to the idea of dating guys who remind me of my old high school gym teacher or great uncles. For some reason, I still think of myself as 22, but these silly apps keep suggesting profiles of all these old people. Then, I realize they’re all my age, or younger, and that depresses me more.
I’ve also discovered that I’m far too old and prudish for most dating apps. Most are for young people wanting quick sex with total strangers. Instead of hooking up, I feel like lecturing everyone there.
On more mainstream apps, some of the profiles look like they’re of decent humans, but I’ve quickly realized that after browsing through various mugshots, I really don’t want one. Not yet anyway.
All hope isn’t lost, though. I did find the perfect website for matching you up to a wonderful companion. You’re guaranteed to find the perfect match to a loving, faithful, friend – till death do you part. It’s called PuppyFinder. I found a Beagle named Rufus who would be a great traveling buddy. I can picture us now on my bike, on a romantic evening, with his ears flying in the wind.
I guess I could have friends hook me up with someone, but from dating experiences in the past, like 30 years ago, I know that’s almost as bad as dating apps. Even if I did go out on a date, there’s always the very likely possibility that I wouldn’t be attracted to them in the slightest. If you have seen my dating pool, you’d know why. How do you tell someone, “I think you’re repulsive. Never contact me again.” Or worse yet, what if they said that to me?
I wouldn’t have to worry about any of that with Rufus…
So, I guess I’m not as ready to date as I thought. I just don’t want to look like a rejected clown in the eyes of my horrible ex.
So, instead I think I’m just going to work on myself and make the best life I can, and maybe someday I’ll come across someone, in my living room, who knocks my socks off.