Empire Building

It’s less than a week from Christmas, though it doesn’t feel like it. It’s forecasted to be 60 degrees on Christmas Eve! No chance of a white Christmas this year, but at least the heating bills won’t be so bad. Well, they will still be bad considering the cost of natural gas.

Ameren sends me email whenever my cost threshold is exceeded. I don’t remember ever signing up for this but whatever. I got an email this week telling me that the threshold had been exceeded, but it was 60 degrees outside and the furnace was barely needed. I had one light and a fan on. If that causes a spike in my heating bill, what will the bill be when winter finally shows up? $9,000?

But anyway, since it is the end of the year, it’s always a time to reflect, but I think I’ve done enough reflecting this year. There’s no need to go back and revisit the gory details of all that transpired this year. Instead, I’m looking forward. There are some changes to make.

I’ve realized that I am never going to fire on all cylinders and have enough energy to do everything I want to do. Why? I’m pooped! My spirit is willing, but my battery never gets fully recharged. With a 12 – 8:30 PM work schedule, pretty much all I do is work during my waking hours. Who feels like cooking dinner at 8am in the morning or 9 pm at night? Nobody.

So, I found a healthy meal delivery service, and I’m not going or feel guilty about it. It’s better than eating fast food or salt-laden frozen dinners all week. Maybe I’ll cook on the weekend. Maybe not.

I decided to do this after hearing a guy at work saying that he never cooks. He eats out all the time, and he’s fine with it. For me, I think I had this silly expectation of myself, just because I’m a woman that I HAVE to cook, and if I don’t, I’m being lazy and failing womanhood. Honestly, I’ve never liked cooking, except for special occasions. I’d rather mow the lawn.

Why do I feel like I need to announce this to the world? I don’t know. It’s not like men write a blog post about why they don’t cook or clean. I guess because everybody already assumes they don’t. There’s no expectation of it.

Come to think of it, society has very low expectations for men in general, and I’m jealous. They cook one meal, or wash one dish, and they feel like they’ve met their quota for the year. And this is not an exaggeration. I was married to a man like that. He got mad when I didn’t sing his praises for him doing things that I did all the time. I never got a thanks.

That’s another blog post. I’m getting off-track. Mostly, I’m just going to try to be easier on myself this year, though I’ll struggle with that. If I’m tired, it’s okay to rest. There’s nothing wrong with taking a nap. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying recreation or taking days off from work to refuel. I don’t have to be empire building all the time.

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