Less Crazy

It took having a mini-meltdown to finally come to terms with everything I’ve been feeling. It wasn’t ideal that it happened at work, but nobody was injured, and I’m still employed. I didn’t embarrass myself too much. What set me off was my husband calling me up and telling me all the plans he has for the house he’s buying. He’s going to have the hardwood floors redone and the interior professionally painted. Uhm, our floors have needed to be refinished since 1995, and I’ve always done all the painting in the house. He sure as heck never helped. That kinda ticked me off!!

Also, while looking in a closet at home I came across a large gift bag. It contained new drinkware, bath towels, and other home warming items. All from his current girlfriend I’m assuming. I’m sure she’s been planting ideas in his head for the home decor too because he’s strangely and suddenly turned into Joanna Gaines. That’s funny. He never had a single design idea for our house in all the years we were married.

Reminds me of a few months ago when he mysteriously became a wine expert when neither one of us drank wine.

I don’t know why he’s telling me all this stuff anyway. I don’t care about his house…as long as mine is better. He was considering buying a house located in a flood zone. I really wanted him to get that one, and I tried to coach him in that direction, but the home insurance was like $8000 a year, and so he walked away. Darn!

Yes, I know this all sounds silly and petty, and it is.

And the lies continue. Supposedly he went with his mom to Peoria for furniture buying, but that’s a favorite spot for him and two of his girlfriends. He probably went up there and blew money gambling again. Maybe he looked at furniture too. Nope. He just called and said he couldn’t find any furniture he liked, which leads me to believe he never looked.

I sometimes wonder if he unknowingly had Covid-19, and it ate his brain.

But today was good because he wasn’t here, and in a week or two he’ll be out of the house for good. Yes, I’ll be changing the locks. It’s just my son and I in the house so it’s pretty quiet. We both like it that way.

I spent the day working on the yard, planting flowers, and doing the usual house cleaning. I watched a movie and just enjoyed myself. It was wonderful, and I even felt like my old self again. I’m talking about way back to a much younger self before marriage. It felt great.

A friend told me that after divorce it’s kind of like you’re dating yourself. Most of us never got to know ourselves that well before we hooked up with someone else, especially if we married young. I know so much more about myself now than I did before. I know I’m not weak.

I’m not insinuating that marriage is to be thrown away for silly reasons. I think most couples can work out their differences and build a stronger relationship, but there’s valid reasons for divorce too. Adultery and abuse are two of those valid reasons, maybe the only two valid reasons. Now I can see why adultery had such a stiff penalty in the Bible. It’s absolute betrayal. It’s embarrassing. You can’t know the pain until it happens to you.

Hopefully, in a few months I can write about other subjects other than this very weird divorce I’m going through. Believe it or not, I’m actually fairly normal. I’m just going through very strange times.

One thing that’s helping me get through the anger is my “you did me wrong” playlist on Spotify. “Bent” and “Push” by Matchbox Twenty are great for venting true feelings. “Drops of Jupiter” from Train can be interpreted as a song about one partner seeking other “experiences” elsewhere and finding out “heaven” is overrated. Then there’s “Viva La Vida” by Coldplay that is really about Napoleon and the French Revolution, but also about finding out your castles were built on “…pillars of salt and pillars of sand.” Lots of deep stuff there.

And yes I’m listening to positive music and podcasts too. You don’t want to dwell on the anger and negativity too long, but you don’t want to deny it either because eventually you’ll blow up.

I am making positive changes to move my life forward.

I’m planning a few trips this summer to take the bike to, and have joined the local bike club. The options and opportunities are endless. Those options were always there, but I didn’t have the kick in the pants to act on them. I’m taking better care of myself by allowing myself to rest once a while. I hadn’t sat and watched an entire movie in ages. Between work and my side hustle, I was burning myself out and ruining my health. Things are looking much better now.

Anyway, this is my crazy little world at the moment, but it’s getting a little less crazy as time goes by.