Questioning Everything

I officially filed the divorce papers today. Somehow I thought it would be a much more difficult process, but it only took a few minutes…and a few hundred dollars. This is not what I thought I would be doing this year when the new year began.

Losing weight, managing my time better, eating healthier, were all on my list. Divorcing my husband after 26 years of marriage didn’t make the list. Little did I know, life had a big surprise for me.

This is the first week I’ve begun to understand what being divorced is going to feel like. My husband has already purchased another house and will close on it in a few weeks – a few long weeks. Why is buying a house such a lengthy and annoying process? I’ve seen houses built. They’re not that impressive. Two-by-fours, drywall, screws, paint. That’s a house. At least cars have a lot of engineering put into them. A house is basically a box that gets taxed.

I guess nothing is impressing me much at the moment though. Last night my husband was out with one of his girlfriends celebrating his birthday at a St Louis Cardinals baseball game. I was at home feeling like a rejected clown.

I’ve felt about every emotion up until now but rejection. It’s a crappy feeling. Being replaced by a woman half my age doesn’t help. But she could be 80, and I’d still feel like a loser. It’s not her age that bothers me. It’s the fact that I’ve been replaced so easily and so quickly.

Call me crazy, but I think it’s extremely in poor taste to begin dating before you’re divorced, especially if you’re still living with your spouse. I did put my foot down and told him that I wasn’t going to listen to his one-side conversations with his girlfriends on the phone. I’m not allowing that in my house, and it is my house.

It’s all 100% mine. The bills, the taxes, the insurance, the water leaks in the basement, every mold spore, asbestos fiber, radon molecule, lead in the pipes…it’s all mine. Mine. Mine. Mine! It’s a bit overwhelming.

And the loneliness. I wasn’t prepared for that either. Sure I have friends and family who care, but that’s not the same thing as a spouse that you can count on.

Just for kicks and to see what is available on the local dating marketplace I looked at an online dating site. I’m nowhere near ready to date anyone, but I wanted to see what I have to look forward to. Ack! No wonder my husband is dating a woman who has barely left her teenage years. When did we all get so old?

Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against older people. I’ve always been attracted to people older than me, but people older than me are all going to be dead soon. I’m going to be dead soon.

Divorcing at age 50 is an entirely different story than divorcing at 30. Forget about racing against a ticking clock. The clock has already wound down and rotted away.

I’ve literally fault nauseous from the thought of dating and inviting such trouble into my life again. Nobody in my age group would qualify as a certified pre-owned vehicle. There’s absolutely no warranty. For Decaturites, think Honest Pod. That’s the used car lot I’d be placed on.

Last night I watched a fascinating documentary about the Buddha from Bettany Hughes on Curiosity Stream. I love her documentaries. I’d love to live a life like hers or maybe like that of the Buddha. He left in search for the answers to the greatest questions in life. Why are we here? How should we live our lives? Is there any purpose to life? What happens to us when we die?

Yes, I’m at the age when I know time is not on my side. Now I hope that what I have believed and learned has been the truth.

I remember when my father-in-law was dying, and he was visited by friends of different faiths. A Catholic friend gave him a rosary, a Muslim friend gave him prayer beads, and a Protestant read passages to him from the Bible. His brother walked in and had to laugh and say. “Well, I guess you’re covered in case you chose the wrong religion.”

What does this have to do with divorce? I don’t know. I guess I’m to the point when I’m questioning everything.

So if you see me publicly flogging myself, sitting by a stream in a prayerful pose, or fasting for days (A Protestant fast? Haha, with our potlucks and buffets? Not happening.), just know that I’m only looking for answers.

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