While the divorce isn’t legally settled yet, the realities of it have already begun. I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions. I feel like I’ve just crawled out of a sunroof after a 10-car pileup I didn’t see coming. But, the smoke has dissipated, and I’m beginning to see much more clearly.

There’s been moments in the past few weeks in which I wish I could have been placed in a medically induced coma to escape the feelings, but things are getting better now that more rational thought has had a chance to take hold.

I don’t hate my husband, since I feel I too contributed to the demise of the marriage. Instead of just going our separate ways as adults who realized that they had grown apart, I stayed as busy as possible trying not to think of it, and he decided to go the worst route possible. I think a lot of people who have affairs want to get caught. It’s their cowardly way out of a marriage. After all, it’s hard to say out of the blue to your spouse that you don’t want to be married to them any longer, especially if on the surface everything seems to be okay.

We’ve both admitted to blame, and we both knew it had to end. I hope once all the dust settles we both can form much happier and healthier lives apart from each other. Still, such an enormous change is hard to go through.

At least something will stay the same. I’m keeping the house and as I’ve thought about it, I’ve already been the one taking care of this old house by myself for a long, long time. Being the DIY type, I’ve had my fair share of projects over the past 25 years. My handiwork, for better or for worse, is throughout much of the house. One reason I would never sell the house is for my plants and trees in the yard. Somebody could easily be a better gardener, but nobody would love those plants as much as I do, as I slowly and unintentionally kill them one-by-one.

One of my co-workers is from the Philippines, and she too has killed every plant she has ever owned. She says it’s because we give off too much energy. I’ll go with that. I really enjoy hearing about her culture. It’s so much more in tune with nature and the spiritual world. We, as Americans have become so mechanical and bland in our thinking. We’ve killed all the magic.

Anyway, I’ve begun charting out my life post-divorce. I’m planning a couple trips for my business and for some much-needed vacation time. My business is called The Journier, which was a nod to my “navigator” persona here, but I sure haven’t gone on many journeys, and I can’t say much for my navigation skills either lately.

I am a Sagittarius, so I guess it is written in the stars that I would want to explore new places and new experiences. I’m finally going to have a chance to do so on a whim. Due to Covid last year, the farthest I traveled was to Springfield and Chatham, a 35-mile paved trek not worthy of an adventurer.

Hopefully, I can find a day shift job soon, so I can participate more in the community again. I’ve always preferred working out in the evening, as opposed to mornings, so I haven’t gone to the gym in ages. It also stinks not to have Friday evening off as a beginning and a part of the weekend. When you work second shift you only get Saturday and Sunday to try to cram a social life into. It’s not enough.

I want to attend city council meetings again (either online or in person), and attend other local governmental meetings and events. I’ve fallen so far away from the things I loved doing in the past. It’s so mentally draining and depressing, and I’m just not myself. I’m grateful for the job I have, especially now, but I look forward to being full self-employed in the future. One bright spot during this time in my life is that my business has begun doing very well.

Well, that’s where things stand now. I think I’ve moved beyond the psycho stage of divorce and moved into calmer waters. I’m ready to focus on much better things.

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