Humor

Here is the real transcript of Hillary Clinton’s inteview:

I really wish I were anywhere but here but I have been instructed by the DNC to encourage my voters to vote for Barack Obama, who will be the next president of the United States (of Neptune.)

Well, I just started out with a great breakfast with the New York delegation, whom won’t have the opportunity to vote for me at the convention because well – they voted for me.

I’m on my way to the Hispanic caucus, where I hope to find Bill Richardson and kick him in the groin.

Well, I’m looking forward to seeing a lot of old and new backstabbers at the convention and telling them where to go and how to get there.

I’m also looking forward to making history when we nominate Senator Obama (speaking his name as quickly as possible so as not to taste the syllables.) It will be a wonderful night – if this were a Disney movie and not reality.

I really appreciate Senator Obama and his campaign working me over so closely at our meeting behind the Greasy Chicken Cafe in Denver – though the brass-knuckles were kind of unnecessary!

I just hope that we have the opportunity to do what is traditionally done in an election – like letting people vote. (Like that’s gonna happen!)

Of course, we’ll have a great night when Senator Obama gives his speech at Invesco Field. (Hopefully it will be the last time, I’ll have to pretend to like him.)

I’m really getting a kick out of John McCain using my ads and saying the things I couldn’t.

I’m Hillary Clinton and I don’t approve of this convention (a four day painful infomercial that is nauseating to watch, let alone participate in.)

See you in 2012!

Read more

If there’s one thing I’ve learned this past primary season, it’s that most Obama supporters have absolutely no sense of humor. I’ve never spoken to a group of people that are so adamant, so sure, so positive that Barack Obama is “The One”. That’s always scared me. I have to admit there’s been this stray thought running through my mind wondering if Obama is the Anti-Christ! The mesmerizing charm that he has over his flock is kinda freaky. He can do no wrong in their eyes. Just Google “Obama the Anti-Christ” and you’ll have enough reading material for the next century. Of course, that doesn’t’ really prove anything. Every leader for the past 2,000 years has had that Anti-Christ question mark hanging over their head; but we’re all soon relieved to learn that our leaders are mere mortals when they trip down a flight of stairs exiting Air Force One, spell potato wrong, announce their vice-presidential pick as the president, or get caught with a White House intern a third their age. Whew! It’s so relieving, because nobody that dumb or clumsy (i.e., human) could be the Anti-Christ!  But then again, maybe that would be the perfect disguise. If everybody already thinks you’re a creep or a moron, they’d never suspect you! Maybe we’ve been looking in the wrong place.

Personally, I think it’s healthy and wise to hold our leaders and politicians with contempt. I just wish Obama supporters would start doing more of that and then maybe I’d jump on board. Oh well, do I really believe Barack is the Anti-Christ? No, I’m not that ridiculous, but he sure is the Anti-Clinton – which in my book is pretty darn close! 😉

You have to admit this is pretty funny…err unless you’re an Obama supporter.

Read more

I saw a news clip the other day about SparkPeople, an online community for those of us needing to lose weight but lacking the motivation or plan to do so, so I thought I’d give it a try. So far, I’ve found out that I’m in the obese category for my weight and height – yikes! I knew I was overweight but obese? Being overweight I can deal with mentally but obese – that sounds awful! That sounds like I should join the circus as I side show act!  Anyway, SparkPeople is totally free, which works for me, and though I’ve only been on it one day, there’s lots of detailed information tailor fit for each individual’s needs. There’s several meal plans to choose from each day with recipes (thank goodness because I have no idea what to make or how) and workout suggestions.

I was raised in a meat and potato’s house. I’m looking over all these recipes for my plan and I keep seeing these things called “vegetables” and “fruit”. Some look familiar, though I’m not sure I’d recognize them in a grocery store if I saw them. “Hummus?” Isn’t that the funny bone? Cauliflower? Broccoli? Asparagus? Um, I better take an illustrated encyclopedia of vegetables with me!

Actually, I have “attempted” to eat healthier several times. I have a vegetable garden every year and though I talk to the plants, water them and care for them, they’ve always seemed more like pets than food. Last year, I thought I’d grow zucchini, and out of a bumper crop of about 40 zucchini’s, I only ate one. There was one that I especially grew attached to, it looked like a penguin and I set it on my front porch as a Fall decoration! It greeted people throughout Halloween and Thanksgiving!

But it’s time to get serious. I’m fat, I feel like crap and I’m not exactly the picture of health. My blood pressure is borderline high. I had gestational diabetes in the past, so that puts me at a higher risk for developing diabetes later. When I was pregnant with my first child, I had to test my blood sugar three times a day. Seeing those high numbers after eating the wrong thing scared me straight then! I didn’t want to have to give myself insulin shots! But I never felt better in my life. Eating right makes the difference.

So I thought, since I have a blog – writing a little journal would be motivational. So here I go! Actually, the meal plans are going to have to start tomorrow. Tonight it’s cheesy, greasy, delicious brats on the grill with a side order of greasy homemade french fries. If I don’t have a coronary tonight in my sleep, tomorrow I’ll be eating better!

Read more

Well, it’s been a couple weeks since Hillary dropped out of the race and I’m kinda, sorta, warming up to Obama. The political world seems like such a cold, empty, lifeless, blah, place without Hillary Clinton. Ho – hum… It’s like I’m the robotic arm of the Mars Phoenix Lander sifting through the frozen arctic soil of the red planet, hoping to find some sign of life. McCain just seems so old and Obama seems so boring. I’ve watched some of Obama’s speeches and, I don’t know why, but I find them incredibly un-inspiring and a regular yawn-fest.

The presidential race seems like nothing in comparison to the Democratic primary. I mean, really who cares anymore? It reminds me of the American League series between the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox, in which the Red Sox finally won after years of losing to New York. By many, it was considered the real World Series. They went on to murder the St. Louis Cardinals later but it was beating New York that was so sweet! If only Hillary could have beaten Obama, how different I’d feel now. Now, I feel like I’m cheering for the Chicago Cubs, since I’m partial to the National League, but I’d much prefer Hillary – I mean the Cardinals.

I’ve lost that lovin’ feeling. It’s gone, gone, gone…Hillary Come Back!

Read more

Again, a Linda Ronstadt tune (parody) is in order after Hillary Clinton’s West Virginia blow out! (I sure hope Linda Ronstadt likes Hillary Clinton!) This will be the last parody, I promise!

Hillary asks, “When Will I Be Loved?”

I’ve been cheated
Been mistreated
When will I-I be loved?

I’ve been held down
I’ve been knocked ‘round
When will I-I be loved?

When i find a new state that I want for mine
If I win, I’ll still lose
It happens every time!

I’ve campaigned till I’ve turned blue
Bill and Chelsea have tried like mad dogs too
When will I-I be loved?

When I find a new state, that will…
vote for me
you can bet…the pundits will say,
my supporters…are just poor white dummies!

Whoa, I’ve been cheated
Been mistreated
When will I-I be loved
When will I-I be loved
Tell me, when will I be loved???

This is for you Hillary, you keep holding on tight to your dreams no matter what they say! Hey, look on the bright side, Barack might lose and you can try again in 2012! Uhm…isn’t that the year the world is supposed to end…sounds like our luck doesn’t it?

Hey, I finally found someone else out there as crazy as me! Go!

Read more