Archive for Humor – Page 2

Baseball

I always get a little choked up when I see the Budweiser Clydesdales trot around the field at Busch Stadium on opening day.  That song, those majestic horses and the dalmatian sitting proudly and obediently besides the driver, (why doesn’t my dalmatian behave that way?), gets me every time.  I know it’s marketing genius but I can’t help myself.

I don’t know that I remember the first time I went to the old Busch Stadium to watch a Cardinal game but I do have quite a few memories going to St. Louis with my family.  The drive was long and boring.  It still is but upon catching the first glimpse of the Gateway Arch on the hazy horizon over the swampy landfills, my brothers and I would always perk up in excitement.  My Dad would grip the steering wheel tighter in the ever increasing traffic.  My Mom acted as navigator and lookout.  You needed more than one pair of eyes driving through that traffic.  We were hicks, no doubt.  St. Louis was the “Big City”.  We might as well had been riding in on a bale of hay.

Crossing the Mighty Mississippi was a little nerve wracking at times.  I remember going to a double-header against the Cubs and the traffic was horrendous.  It was backed up for miles and our car was stuck on the bridge crossing the river.  We could have swore the bridge was moving, swaying back and forth and then we realized it was moving and swaying back and forth! My Dad wanted to fetch the life jackets from the trunk of the car.  They were still there from a fishing trip.  Now I know where I get my nervous tendencies from.  We were all green by the time we reached the other side and grateful to be on firm ground – that is until the New Madrid fault flattens St. Louis.

We’d always get to the game at least 5-6 hours early to beat the traffic and accommodate for my Dad’s bad sense of direction.  We actually get lost inside the parking garages.  After one game, we drove around in circles inside the garage trying to find the down ramp.  My brothers would yell at him, “There it is!”  And we’d go back around again.  “There it is!”  And we’d go back around again.  I hated those parking garages.  I still hate them.  There’s nothing like feeling like the lunch meat of a concrete sandwich.

We’d walk down to the Arch and stand at the base.  The sun reflecting off of the stainless steel hurt my eyes but I looked anyway.  We only went up once.  The elevators are similar in size to the inside of a large commercial dryer.  I don’t remember the trip up taking long but I remember the view from up top and most especially the door on the floor.  We wondered what it was for.  My Dad and I looked at it and stepped far from it.  We should have packed parachutes in the trunk of the car too.  We didn’t stay up there very long.

And then we’d eat on the McDonald’s river boat.  My parents hated McDonald’s food and this was the only time as a kid I ever ate it.  I didn’t care what the food tasted like.  It was just cool to be on a river boat with logs the size of small homes floating by.  Again my Dad would turn green and exit as quickly as possible.

But as green as my Dad would become, it paled in comparison to the first glimpses of the AstroTurf inside the stadium.   I’d catch small glimpses of it while walking up the never ending ramps to our nose bleed seats.  The smell of beer, hot dogs and maybe I don’t want to know what else, filled my senses.  I wondered why big cities smelled so funny.  Coming from Decatur, you would think I would have been use to funny smelling cities. We’d finally reach our section, usually the very upper deck and feel relieved to finally sit down and take it all in.

My oldest brother always kept a score card.  I didn’t know what the chicken scratches he marked on it meant but I could tell it was serious business.  I’d always watch the first couple innings but then my eyes would begin to wander.  The people in the crowd always became the far more interesting and intriguing entertainment of the night.  There was always some family who would eat themselves to oblivion.  There were always plenty of drinkers.  How on earth some people can hold so much liquid in their bladders, I’ll never know.  There were the lovebirds who made everyone feel uncomfortable.  Really, get a room knuckleheads.  There were the fans three times wider than their seats.  The smokers who gagged everyone around them.  The yelling fools.  And then of course, my attention would go back to the game when a loud cheer went  up.

Whenever something good happened everyone stood up and a I couldn’t see a thing.  I just knew from the cheers the Cardinals must have done something right.  And it always seemed my favorite player, Willie McGee would deliver the winning hit when I was there.  His jersey number should be retired!

Growing up I didn’t see baseball played on television very often, if at all.  We listened to it on the radio so it was something special to see a game played before our eyes – even if the trip was exhausting and overwhelming to the senses.

The ride home was a good way to decompress.  The night air coming through the windows blew away the funny smells.  We’d get home around midnight but I could never fall asleep. I just lie awake thinking about the events of day.  It was all good!

Well, I’ll be taking my kids to Busch Stadium, the newer and much improved version, in early May this year.  I bet they’ll get the same kick as I did.  The tall buildings, the smells, the claustrophobic parking garages, the crowd noises, and a little bit of baseball!  No Willie McGee but maybe Pujols will deliver.

Friday Funnies

I thought it would be a fun idea to once in a while ditch the political topics and write something fun.  I have tons of memories about growing up in Decatur and most of them are good ones, so…

The old wooden bridge that crossed Spring Creek on North East Carrol, was our absolute favorite hangout.  My best friend and I spent hours upon hours skipping stones, hopping from one rock to the next.  A lot of times we just sat under the bridge, hearing cars rumble overhead as the wooden planks rolled and clunked.  We built rock dams across the creek and screamed whenever we lifted a rock to find a crawdad.  I hated those things!  Their pinchers, their beady little eyes, their exoskeletons, their pinchers! They still scare me.  We built rafts out of driftwood and sticks, which supported our weight for about 3 seconds until we sunk to the bottom.  We walked up and down the creek, sometimes in our good shoes, and came home dirty and smelly.  The funny thing is, I never remember my parents ever getting mad at me for having some good clean dirty fun.

We’d play from sunup till sundown outside riding up and down South Court Drive, East Court Drive and North Court Drive on our banana seat bicycles.   Highway 51 bordered the neighborhood on the west, so there was no West Court Drive.  I’m thankful we didn’t have computers, iPod’s and video games.  Life was so much more fun when it was lived and not just talked about or played out on a computer screen.

Besides the bridge, Brettwood was our major hangout.  Those “No bicycles or skateboards allowed on the sidewalk” signs you see there today, were because of us!  My contribution to the community!

Brettwood was usually fun, except for a couple occasions.  We had this really cool idea to sneak out of our houses at 3:00 in the morning and walk to Brettwood.  My friend knocked on my window, right on time and I climbed out into the backyard.  Once in the backyard it seemed barely recognizable.  It looked creepy.  How could my backyard, my beloved backyard look so creepy?  We hurried to the back street and walked quickly.  The bridge, which seemed so benign during the day, looked like a scene out of a cheap horror movie.  It was extremely humid that night and the heavy night air was hard to breathe.  The moisture in the air could be seen, touched and felt.  Under the lone street light above the bridge, the mist  reached its arms out beneath the old wooden structure, like a clouded monster about to grasp us and pull us under.  We ran across the bridge.  We made it to Brettwood.  The post office was still located there at that time and we walked passed it.  It looked creepy.  We walked past all the stores that we knew so well and they too looked creepy.  We made it to Kroger’s which was open 24 hours a day.  The bright light shinning out wasn’t as welcoming nor comforting as we thought it would be.  We stood before the automatic doors and looked at each other.

I think every lesson our parents had ever pounded into our heads about strangers, kidnappers and murderers of careless, disobedient children suddenly popped up in our brains.  “This had been a very dumb idea.”  We both concluded.  We ran the entire way home.  The pines on Christine were dark, ominous masses of fright.  The yews, in front of the ranch style houses, surely had something sinister hiding behind them but they were all blurs as we ran by.   Sweat dripped off of my body and as I climbed back through my bedroom window, and sat in front of the fan, I vowed never to do THAT again.

This wasn’t the only time we had ran all the way home from Brettwood.  The other time involved my one and only stint in the criminal world.  We had shoplifted a couple candy bars from SupeRx, hidden in a couple hats.  These were those cheesy painter style hats from the 1980′s.  I think mine was of some bad heavy metal band like Ratt.   Just as we reached the door, the cashier yelled, “Hey, let me see what you have in those hats!”  We dashed out the door, ran  behind the shopping center and into the woods.  This was before Martin Luther King Jr. Drive had been made four lanes.  There was a small creek and railroad tracks to cross.  We ran through the water and then thought, hey maybe we should go back in forth through the water so the dogs, who the police would surely send after us, wouldn’t be able to pick up our scent.

So back and forth we went quickly and then just to be on the safe side we ran through Spring Creek near our homes just in case those dogs had really good noses.  Neither one of us had ever been so scared before.  I ran into my house and he ran to his.  We stayed hidden for a good while.  Every time I heard a dog bark I freaked.  The worst part of the whole ordeal was, we had tossed our candy bars into a dumpster, so as to dispose of the evidence.  All of that trouble and I had nothing to show for it but a guilty conscience and wet shoes.

Christmas Memories

It’s almost Christmas, so naturally thoughts drift back to Christmases of yesteryear and no Christmas memories are better than those of childhood.  Christmas was still magical then.  It was eagerly anticipated, and as the days grew nearer, the hours grew longer.  My family opened our presents on Christmas Eve, we still do, and therefore Christmas Eve was measured in hours, minutes and seconds from the moment we awoke on Christmas Eve morning.

christmas_tree

Christmas Tree in 1975.

Trying to stay busy and make the time go by faster was a fruitless endeavor.  It didn’t matter what we did:  playing card games, board games, make-believe – yes all this in a time before video games and the Internet, did little to ease the anticipation.  We even tried to take a nap, hoping that we would instantly fall asleep and awake 8 hours later to Christmas Eve dinner and then the opening of our presents.  But we never slept a wink.  Laying there in the quiet, every second of every minute mocked us with each tick.  It was too much.  But finally, after the long wait, the shadows of the trees began to grow longer through my bedroom windows and faint sunset would signal the time had almost arrived.

All the while, through our waiting, the smell of turkey filled the house.  My mom would be busy cooking a special feast in the kitchen, while cleaning the house and making everything looked just right.  My dad was usually out buying last minute gifts and sneaking them through the garage.

We always thought dinner was just another way for our parents to prolong the agony.  My two older brothers and I couldn’t have been less interested in eating, than if we had just stepped off a Kennedy Space Station G-Force simulator exercise.  Our stomachs turned with excitement and I can still remember the grins on my parent’s faces while we sat around the table.  They knew they were torturing us.

Mom and me at Christmas

Mom and me at Christmas

To make matters worse, we all had to take Christmas Eve baths before opening our gifts.  My brothers shared a tub in one bathroom while I was in the other and somewhere in the middle of our hurried scrubbing, we heard the front door open, the stomps of boots in the living room and a loud “Ho! Ho! Ho!”  Santa Claus had came while we were taking our Christmas baths.  It was really ingenious on my parent’s part.  We truly thought Santa Claus had stopped by and placed some new gifts under the tree, that we hadn’t had the chance to pick up, analyze, weigh, shake, feel or sense the psychic vibes of the gifts beneath the wrapping paper.

My parents taped every Christmas on 8-Track cassettes.  We still have them and they’re a treasure to listen to now.  -I think the audio is even better than video because all the memories come flooding back into my mind, instead of just a snapshot or two in time captured on film.  Just listening to my parents, with much younger voices, my brothers before puberty and me asking in a small voice, “This is all I got?”, brings back wonderful family memories.  I remember finally going to bed after such a long day with my beloved gifts tucked securely by.  It was truly pure magic and perfection.  Life simply doesn’t get any better.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Me and my Weeble Wobble House in 1975.

Sarah Palin & Some Political Humor

I don’t know if Sarah Palin will ever be president but or not, but she could certainly have a future in comedy.  She’s a natural.

Oh, and this is a good one.  I didn’t write it.  That’s probably why it’s good…

Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama go to heaven…

God addresses Al first. ”Al, what do you believe in?”

Al replies: “Well, I believe that I won that election,
but that it was your will that I did not serve..
And I’ve come to understand that now.”

God thinks for a second and says:
“Very good. Come and sit at my left.”

God then addresses Bill. “Bill, what do you believe in?”

Bill replies: “I believe in forgiveness.
I’ve sinned, but I’ve never held a grudge against my fellow man,
and I hope no grudges are held against me.”

God thinks for a second and says:
“You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.”

Then God addresses Barrack. “Barrack, what do you believe in?”

Obama replies: “Uh, uhm, I believe you’re in my chair.”

The Definition of Insanity – Black Friday Shopping at Wal-Mart

I’ve watched those news clips every years of crazed people camped outside stores in the freezing cold for hours upon end, just to be the first one in for the early bird Black Friday sales.  I thought, craziness to such a degree, only happened in New York or California but nope – it’s right here  in down-homey, corn-shucking, clodhopping, Decatur, Illinois.  I couldn’t believe my eyes when I walked into Wal-Mart a little after 6am.  What possessed me to shop so early in the morning?  I don’t know.  I guess I just had to experience it once in my life and once in my life was enough.

The checkout lines wrapped throughout the entire store.  Customers with heaping loads of merchandise were waiting surprisingly patiently.  But they all had that look on their face like, “Okay, I know this makes me look crazy, and I would really love a paper sack to place over my head right now so no one could recognize me, but I’m here and I’m saving money.  What are you going to do about it?”  Well, I did something.  I left the store.  There was no way I was going to wait in line for three hours to save $20.  I’d rather spend $100 more just to exit the building safely.

And with those types of crowds, who knows what kind of mutant strain of killer influenza was being created between the sharing of air between so many infectious nostrils and lungs.   The pale horse of death from the apocalypse could have been clippity-clopping around that store.

The kids and I decided to mosey on up to McDonalds in Forsyth and have some breakfast.  Then we went to Lowe’s and the Mall.  The Mall was busy but I’ve seen it far worse.  I didn’t manage to purchase anything on my shopping list except for some garland to wrap around my front porch at Lowe’s and a shirt for myself at Christopher & Banks – or as my daughter calls it – the old lady store.  She’s seen all of the outfits there modeled on her elementary school teachers and principal.  That would turn me off too, if I were eleven years old.

I guess I’ll just have to resort to shopping for Christmas gifts the old fashion way, the way I always do it – online from the comfort of my home.  Aahh!