Desperate Times Call For Dumb Measures

Decatur has recently published the names of those vehicle owners who owe big money to the city in parking ticket fines.  Many of the names are familiar to many of us, mainly because they are the business owners of many of the downtown shops, who for some reason find it difficult to abandon their shops and customers, so they can run out and deposit quarters in a parking meter all day long.   I guess nobody in the city has ever heard of yearly parking passes???

Apparently, before the city was hurting for money, city officials turned a blind eye to the unpaid parking citations but now that the budget has come up short, well, desperate times call for desperate measures.  At the last city council meeting, it was proposed to purchase and place ‘boots’ on the tires of these offenders to sort of impound their vehicles on the street – without actually having to tow them away.   I wonder what other criminal fiends and diabolical scumbags the city will target next?

• Jaywalking school children will now have their sneakers impounded by gluing them to the street until a fine is paid – the sneakers not the kids. Some parents may not pay to have the children unglued.
• Those reckless operators of Hoveround Power Chairs and other mobility scooters, will be strapped into their chairs with specially fit Snuggie blankets until a $1,000 ransom, err, I mean fine is paid to the city.  Medicare will unfortunetly not cover this fee.
• Dirty vehicles with “Wash Me” written on their back windows will be towed at the owner’s expense to a car wash, and a $500 fine will be imposed before the car is released back to the driver.
• Drivers talking or texting on their cell phones while inside their vehicles, will be forced to communicate with their friends and family members by handwriting letters – and mailing them using the US Postal Service.  No fine will be imposed – for the torture of standing in line, at inconvenient hours at a post office to purchase stamps from a rude overpaid government worker, is considered punishment enough.
• Drivers singing along with the radio while driving will receive a $500 fine.
• Vehicle owners talking to themselves while driving will be ordered to receive a mental evaluation before their vehicles are released back to them.  (I can kiss my car goodbye forever!)
• Persons walking along the streets after their cars have been impounded will be fined for loitering — if they aren’t shot first by a gangbanger, mugger or rapist.  If they survive, they will be billed for police, fire department and ambulance fees.