There I was, in the Shelbyville Hospital ER from a racing heartbeat. I’m not sure what the nurse had clocked my heart rate at in the lobby, but the fact that she threw me in a wheelchair and zoomed me into the ER wasn’t terribly reassuring. Backing up the story a little bit, my husband and I had just decided to get married, and we went for a drive down to the family cabin near Beecher City. There was an ostrich farm not far from the cabin and we pulled over and looked at them. We talked about the ostriches; they looked at us funny; we looked back at them funny, and then out of nowhere a lightning bolt of paralyzing fear tore through my body. I felt as though I had just been laser beamed by an unidentified flying object hovering above the car. My heart began to pound; everything around me became blurry. I tried to think of something to calm myself as we sped off to Shelbyville’s hospital. Bunny rabbits. Rainbows. Those darn ostriches! Nothing worked. It was my first bonafide, horrified panic attack.
And that began a 15 year journey of unnecessary trips to the ER and being on medications that have been worse than the condition itself. I have the whole routine down at the hospital. I know where the electrodes go on my chest. EKG, easy as 1-2-3! At least Decatur Memorial Hospital’s emergency room no longer looks like a dungeon / morgue. Who originally designed that place? Count Dracula? At least now, if I do croak there during a panic attack, it will be in a much nicer atmosphere. The nurses are a lot nicer too. Really I think a wing should be dedicated in the names of all us panic/anxiety sufferers at every hospital. We’ve paid for half of everything you see in every hospital across the nation.
The medication: I originally only took a pill whenever I felt a panic attack coming on. And then I began taking them just in case a panic attack were to happen. Why wait those horrifying minutes waiting for the pill to take effect? Then my body began feeling weird if I didn’t take a pill everyday. I felt like a wrung out, vibrating washcloth without them. Lights flashed in my eyes. I trembled. I tried to go without the pills but the sleepless, terrifying nights were more than I could take. I found myself not being able to function in society anymore without “my pills.” I was a drug-addicted dope head! Me! A mom. A goody two shoes. I have Air Supply on my Mp3 player for goodness sakes. I’m still on medication and everyday is a roller coaster of withdrawal, calmness, and dopiness. Finding the right balance is tricky. It is mentally and physically exhausting. Now, I’m not so sure I suffer so much from anxiety, as I do the side effects of the medication I take to treat the anxiety.
I don’t know if it’s wise to be sharing all of this, but years ago I had no idea other people, millions of other people, were going through the same thing I was, and am, every day. Maybe I’m hoping the truth shall set me free. Maybe I’m trying to figure out why I’m going through this. Considering the fact that it all began when I decided to get married, I’ll just blame Rick – my husband.
To my fellow sufferers: I’d like to say that someday, you’ll wake up and it will all disappear and you’ll be “normal” again. That probably isn’t going to happen. It has been an ongoing daily battle for me but I do have good days. If you do need help, don’t wait. Doctors know all about it. If your doctor is a thoughtless clod, find someone else. Just don’t visit an ostrich farm after you’ve decided to get married!
Some resources:
http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/mental-health-anxiety-disorders
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhpanic
http://www.mitralvalveprolapse.com/
Kris,
I admire your courage very much!
The stigma attached to mental health/wellness issues such as you describe are disrupted and hopefully will one day be abolished by exceptional people like you who do indeed”free themselves” by and through revealing their personal stories/struggles publicly.
As far as I know,no one, as yet, knows exactly why some of us experience anxiety/panic events.
The neurotransmitters serotonin and norepinephrine appear to be implicated from what I read in the medical journals.
Some medications (such as inhalers used for asthma) can cause panic reactions.
In my own experience, ridding oneself from the fear of having another panic attack is the best way to reduce/eliminate panic events.
You may be thinking they feel much worse than an “event” and I would agree with you having suffered from them myself.
They are though,in fact, only an “event” that arises from a cascade of chemical interactions usually precipitated by a stress event/experience.
I am a recovering alcoholic with thirty (very lucky years) of sobriety under my belt and, like many alcoholics, suffered from anxiety/panic “attacks” in the past.
Kris,I have not had a panic attack in many years.
What worked for me was immediately saying to myself, “This is a chemical glitch in my brain chemistry(probably genetic in origin) and not “real”.
The chemically caused impulses are similar to a “wrong number” phone call.
You don’t have to “answer”.
The recognition that the cause of panic attacks not being a “mental illness/going crazy” experience but rather a glitch in brain chemistry helped me “lose” the fear of having another panic attack .
I am not pretending my method will work for everyone or anyone,just recounting my own experience.
Again ,I want to tell you how much I admire your courage,Kris!
One in four people will suffer from a mental health issue during their lifetime.
It’s way past time to eliminate mental health related stigma and societally forced silence born of shame/fear of being labeled “crazy”.
By publicly explaining/ revealing your struggle with this very common, very difficult challenge ,you have done more than your part to free others to feel more free to identify and openly deal with their own challenges/health issues minus the stigma and undeserved shame condemnation/misunderstanding often times encountered in dealing with an uninformed public.
Good for you!
Eric K. Johnson
Thanks Eric. And thanks for sharing your story! Mental disorders are hardly rare. If we add up the anxiety folks, the depressed people, throw in some bipolar victims, and a dash of obsessive compulsives, there’d hardly be anyone left outside the fence.
I agree that panic disorder is a “brain glitch”. There is a physical component to it. I also have mitral valve prolapse, which makes my heart race away and beat too fast; it’s not just an imagined fear but we can teach our brains to cope. It’s almost like an out of body experience in some ways. Physically my body goes haywire sometimes but the conscience part of my brain does its’ best to calm things down.
People have such a crazy view of mental illness – pun intended. I remember my psychology teacher in college describing his first visit to the psych floor at a hospital during his college training. He was expecting to see patients chained up to their bed posts, drooling out of the sides of their mouths, and speaking incoherently. He was surprised to see they were just regular ol’ people, and if met outside the hospital, he would have never known they had a mental illness.
Kris,
I’m hoping our society will soon move beyond the antiquated notion of a separation between “mental” and “physical” illness towards a recognition of wellness or a lack of that balanced state.
As you point out, almost everyone copes with “mental” health issues at some point in their lives.
I am always somewhat suspect of those persons who believe themselves immune.
The people who represent themselves as “perfectly normal” are often the same people who disparage or make accusations/improper assessments (crazy,nuts etc.) based on fear born of ignorance.
If anyone ever meets another person who is “perfectly normal”, I would like to meet that person.
I have been looking for that personified example of normalcy for more than half of a century and have had zero luck so far.
Eric K. Johnson
Eric,
I’ve never met a perfectly “normal” person either, and I don’t think I’d want to. How absolutely boring they’d be.
It’s not always a bad thing to be a little off kilter. I have yet to meet anyone with an anxiety disorder who isn’t creative, empathetic, or without a good sense of humor. I wish I saved the link to one discussion I read by a bunch of us anxiety people. It was a creative writing challenge on a discussion board. It was the funniest thing I’ve ever read. We’re fun, harmless people to be around.
It’s not always a bad thing to be a little off kilter. I have yet to meet anyone with an anxiety disorder who isn’t creative, empathetic, or without a good sense of humor. – Kris
Kris
I totally concur!
I also agree that “normal” = Boring!
Eric K. Johnson