Hospital Wars, Episode IVVVVVVVVVV

IT IS A PERIOD OF CIVIL WAR. REBEL MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS HAVE LAUNCHED ATTACKS ON ONE ANOTHER IN HOPES OF CORNERING THE MEDICAL MARKET IN DECATUR. PATIENTS HAVE ENDURED ENDLESS FULL-COLOR NEWSPAPER ADS, COUNTLESS BILLBOARDS, RADIO SPOTS AND TELEVISION COMMERCIALS. WE ENTER A TIME OF CONSIDERABLE UNREST AND TROUBLE AS THE INTENSITY BECOMES ALMOST UNBEARABLE!

SCENE ONE:

We enter the command center of Hospital A:

SECOND LIEUTENANT IN CHARGE OF MARKETING: (Speaking to CEO)

I’m sorry sir but it looks like the naming rights for the moon have already been taken, however there is a red dwarf star in a far away galaxy that is still available.

CEO OF HOSPITAL A:

BUY IT!

COMMANDER OF MARKETING: (Speaking to CEO)

Sir, it appears that Hospital B has recently erected two new billboards on the northwest corner of town and sponsored a potluck dinner for a homeless shelter.

CEO OF HOSPITAL A:

BLAST THEM! Who allowed this? Run a full-page color ad in tomorrow’s newspaper informing our patients about our new commitment towards two-ply toilet paper in all hospital bathrooms – only the best touches our patient’s behinds!

COMMANDER OF MARKETING: (Speaking to CEO)

Yes Sir. But another full-page ad, won’t that mean we’ll have to raise insurance premium deductibles on our employees?

CEO OF HOSPITAL A:

Yes, they will have to pay more but it is a sacrifice that I am willing to make!

SECOND LIEUTENANT IN CHARGE OF MARKETING: (Speaking to CEO)

Hospital B has also installed a new CT scanner capable of scanning the entire human body within 10 seconds. Today’s newspaper has an article touting it’s great benefits.

CEO OF HOSPITAL A:

What! We just bought a new scanner last week! Oh, isn’t there some new device we can purchase quick?

COMMANDER OF MARKETING: (Speaking to CEO)

Yes, a new drive through CT scanner has just been released in Switzerland. It is the new BIO-VEHICULAR PARTICULATE IMAGER. Patients wouldn’t have to leave their vehicles for their scans. Not only is this machine capable of detecting life threatening conditions of carbon based beings, it can also detect potentially devastating mechanical problems due to piston viscosity of the internal combustion engine.

CEO OF HOSPITAL A:

YES! This is it! We could throw in free oil changes and the market will be ours – ALL OURS! BAWAHAHAHAHA!

Another chapter ends in the ongoing saga. Tune in next week for another heart pounding episode of HOSPITAL WARS!

15 Comments, RSS

  1. haywired

    haywired May 5, 2008 @ 5:04 pm

    Ok, I just wanted to clarify a few things. I’m not for one hospital or the other and I REALLY don’t care for the “let us count the ways we hate DMH” comments that have been thrown out there on various websites. I think we are very lucky to have two very good hospitals within our own community; I also think competition is a good thing. There’s many communities in this state that would kill to have one mediocre hospital within a 40 mile radius. That said, I would like to see more cooperation between the two hospitals.

    The Decatur Celebration “thing” was settled fair in the end. I wouldn’t have blamed DMH for pulling out all the money but they did take the higher road. I may not always agree with every choice DMH makes but they have done a lot of good for this community – and I’m not just saying that because one day my life may be in their hands!

  2. Eric K. Johnson May 7, 2008 @ 10:35 pm

    Kris,
    LOL !
    If you ever sense illness you might consider having your vehicle pointed toward Springfield?
    Eric K. Johnson

  3. haywired

    haywired May 8, 2008 @ 11:53 am

    Eric,
    Yeah! I better get warp speed built into my car if I’m ever in need of immediate medical care! I figure I can get to Springfield in 15 minutes if I put my foot hard on the pedal!

    DMH, St. Mary’s, I really love you guys!

  4. Eric K. Johnson May 8, 2008 @ 9:19 pm

    Kris,
    Your sarcasm cuts like a scalpel!
    I can’t wait for the next episode!
    I can see Smithmeirs office from my back yard .
    I heard a loud explosive noise that seemed to be coming from DMH.
    I was comforted when I realized the expulsive sound was only Smithmeir backfiring !…he is loud!
    Eric K. Johnson

  5. haywired

    haywired May 9, 2008 @ 6:52 pm

    I don’t want to attack Mr. Smithmier personally, I’ve never met him. Actually, from what I’ve seen and heard from him, he seems like a nice guy! He doesn’t come across as an evil dictator to me. I’ve never seen him walk down a hallway in a black cape flanked by stormtroopers. Let’s put it this way, he’s obviously a brilliant businessman who’s a lot smarter than me! Sometimes, I sit and think about what my grandchildren are going to think of me when they read through the stuff I’ve written here and on other blogs – “Gheez, grandma was nuts even before she went senile!”

    I think the problem with DMH is that it comes across too much like a business rather than a hospital. I don’t know why but when I think of hospitals I hear angelic voices singing in the background, envision nuns dabbing the foreheads of sick patients and think of the outreached arms of angles welcoming me through the pearly gates – come to think of it – wasn’t that an ad for St. Mary’s? 🙂

    It’s just not easy touting new technology while still showing good ol’ fashion human compassion.

  6. Eric K. Johnson May 9, 2008 @ 9:38 pm

    Let’s put it this way, he’s obviously a brilliant businessman who’s a lot smarter than me! – Kris kinder than me

    I doubt he is smarter than you!
    Ruthlessness is often initially mistaken for brilliance.
    “All that shines is not gold”
    Eric

  7. Eric K. Johnson May 9, 2008 @ 9:43 pm

    Sometimes, I sit and think about what my grandchildren are going to think of me when they read through the stuff I’ve written here and on other blogs -Kris the kindhearted

    They will hold their heads high with pride!!!

  8. haywired

    haywired May 10, 2008 @ 1:16 am

    Eric,

    Thanks. You’re going to give me a big head 🙂 And guess where I wound up this afternoon? The DMH Emergency Room! LOL! My daughter sprung her ankle bad and had to have an X-Ray. I got to see the LightSpeed CT Scanner in the room next door. I have to say it wasn’t nearly as impressive as my BIO-VEHICULAR PARTICULATE IMAGER but it’s still kind of neat. It’s sure a lot better than those old CT scanners – they’ve always kind of reminded me of caskets! Everybody was nice though. No stormtroopers tried to vaporize me or anything.

    The ER lobby sure gets boring after 3 hours! Yeesh! They really need to get some more comfortable chairs and some new magazines too. The newest edition I could find was from Feb and it was a golf magazine – as if I wasn’t bored enough! I say order some La-Z-Boy recliners pronto!

  9. Eric K. Johnson May 12, 2008 @ 7:04 am

    Kris, I’ll betcha’they will have comfortable shiatzu vibrating chairs, plus plasma screen TV’s, Internet ready private rooms in the new ninety bed five story Tower,but it will cost you plenty to sit!
    Don’t touch those magazines,Kris!
    You don’t know where they have been or what snotty kid contaminated them (-;
    Eric K.(Monk) Johnson

  10. haywired

    haywired May 12, 2008 @ 12:45 pm

    Oh, don’t worry, I didn’t touch the magazines! I was thinking the same thing. Maybe they need to get disposable magazines or better yet holograms of magazines that could float in front of patients’ faces. That’d be cool! I like the vibrating chair idea too!

  11. Eric K. Johnson May 13, 2008 @ 6:17 am

    I like the idea of holographic mags.
    Holographic books with visual depictions of characters plus audio would be cool, eh?
    I am nearly positive the World would be a more peaceful place if more people took advantage of the vibrating chair !
    America needs some healing relaxation.
    Eric

  12. haywired

    haywired May 14, 2008 @ 10:01 pm

    America needs some healing relaxation.
    Eric

    Ain’t that the truth!

  13. Eric K. Johnson May 16, 2008 @ 11:23 pm

    Kris,
    We need “good vibrations”?
    America is too tense and needs to release the frustration accumulated from eight years of bush?
    We Americans need to stop making War and instead focus on sharing love!
    Eric

  14. haywired

    haywired May 17, 2008 @ 1:51 am

    Hippies never grow old, they just grow love! Peace out dude! 🙂

  15. Eric K. Johnson May 17, 2008 @ 10:35 pm

    Kris,
    Peace ,If everyone said that word and felt it in their heart just think what vibe that would create.
    One heart!
    One Love!
    People who love people don’t need to make War.
    Eric (Old Hippie)Johnson

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